i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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