Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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