they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
