At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize