I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
