new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
