I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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