i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
