Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
