So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i've created a new STD.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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