i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
