I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
