Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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