Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
