textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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