My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you traded sex for a burrito?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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