I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dick very happy bro
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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