my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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