Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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