I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
