pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
