I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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