I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
