i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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