Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
