i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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