I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
