Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
