I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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