He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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