tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
please come you make the beer taste better
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
