Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
