You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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