Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
