I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
