did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
