when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
