So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
did you just send me my own nude
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
