Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
