Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
