I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
