I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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