Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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