Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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