dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
