My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
