You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The adults are the big ones right?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
