Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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