Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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