I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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