Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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