This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
