I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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