I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
