Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
