If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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