He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You are the jesus of drinking
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This couple is walking their pig around campus
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
