Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
