She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
