She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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